intjonathan: (girl)
Everything in balance. At this time 7 days ago I was starting a day that would last about 20 hours and erase my entire sense of time and being for several subsequent days. Now, I am starting a day after getting over 13 hours of sleep, and hopefully over its course I will finally unpack what remains of that week-ago.

Frankly, I feel nervous. I learned some vital new names last weekend, now I have to decide which ones to grow into and which ones to work out of, and whether I'm even allowed that decision.

Like all summers, I fear this one's many endings.

I read an editorial some years ago about how futile it was to make new year's resolutions in January. January comes on the heels of a hectic midwinter holiday season, when most of us feel guilty, drained, and trapped. Resolutions seem important to make but impossible to keep, as January is followed by dark February and damp March. The resolution dies of exposure before it's even weaned. July, on the other hand, is pivotal in its thrilling centricity. The weather has turned warm, the blooming has peaked, school is out, and with luck, most of us feel young and invincible and possible. Fall is bittersweet but has a sense of purpose. Now that we've dried out all summer, it doesn't seem so bad.

I like this idea, but it has a fatal flaw: summer ends, and with it nearly everything we build. The vacations are over. The fruit spoils. The lease is up, the jackets come out, our sandals gather dust. Maybe it's due to my station in life — being only a year out of school, September is a bittersweet month. I would not relish bringing a heartfelt new beginning into it, for enough of my life passes through it without returning. Why add more?

So I don't think I'm going to sit down and spell out any resolutions in this years' July. It seems I have a few years of uncertainty left.
intjonathan: (WAHA~)
 by joshs633 on Treemo
Unabashedly lightweight summertime beverage, huge grin on my face, hot room. Yeah, that's today.

Tomorrow's my Friday, I'm going to Portland and the Oregon coast the day after. Let's hear it for summer, I missed her.


Jul. 2nd, 2006 08:28 pm
intjonathan: (mamimi)
The world gets smaller when I get home. The infinite expanses of opportunity and ways to spend a sunny Sunday seem to be stuck behind a wall that's been there my whole life. It took me 3 years and an entire college campus to find a crew I could call up on a sunny weekend and kick it with, now that I'm back here I'm pretty much stuck.

Which is a long way of saying that I'm skullbustingly bored.

Maybe it's the sudden slowdown after a month of running, but man. It's a bit much. Somehow telling myself that in a couple months, after 3 weeks of fine art, good food and social living all I'll want is a day to myself. But you know, right now I don't want a day to myself, right now I want to live by a lake I can swim in, and plans for the 4th, and a paycheck. I want last summer.

I have a lot of reminders cluttering my room of how much people like me. Now to find some people...
intjonathan: (mamimi)
I'm waaaay down at the bottom of my creative energy. Somehow on Monday everything suddenly sucked. I can't figure it out. The weekend had been wonderful, I felt at ease, familiar, smiling. Got to see Cliff, got to watch a sweet nature video and see Snow Cuts Glass. But immediately it stopped making sense. I pinned my hopes on the Thinkpad I bought Sunday evening, thinking retail therapy in the form of Sexy New Hardware would at least give me something new to focus on for a few weeks. Unfortunately when it became clear that it wasn't going to arrive for nearly 2 weeks, I had to shovel dirt on those hopes. Today I ate a whole lot of pizza and watched several hours of Dave Chappelle. Mostly I felt like I was waiting for the day to be over. I haven't felt that way in a very long time.

If I tell myself I accomplished things, like how the bathroom is clean for the first time in a month, and Jeremy's new site has a design, and most of my MIS homework is done, maybe I'll forget that I did those things on one of the last few Saturdays I have left at college.

This feeling of wastefulness will eat me away. I repeatedly cut short all my projects and plans due to lack of funding or certainty. Trying to make the 1000 things I do every day go smoother is kind of a major purpose of my energy and thought. Turning over life's rhythm, eroding like a rock carried through summer, small and round from use, familiar and full of memory. Just as it's becoming round enough to skip, I must leave the river.

Adventure without opportunity is foolishness. I like this river and it's the biggest one on the map.

intjonathan: (Default)
Today started mediocre but got better real fast.

I've been sleeping poorly lately, maybe it's too hot or something, but at least I got lots of sleep even if it wasn't very good.

Work was about average, at least I didn't have any meetings with iain and I accomplished some actual server work. Iain is getting on us about meetings and QERs and shit though. :( "Why don't you schedule a meeting with me..." What am I, your secretary? Am I trapped in Office Space? "If you could just come in on Saturday, that'd be greeeeat."

Fortunately everyone realized that it was 80F outside and that working is dumb, so we split and went to Lake Samish at 5. Man, it was flawless. Not crowded, the lake was warm, and the sun wasn't even too hot. Seven people on a double airbed in the middle of a lake makes for good times.

We had gone straight to the lake from work, so we were all starving by the time the sun went down at 8:45. Bob's Burgers were deemed necessary, so off we went, still in our trunks, to sit and stare at the uncannily attractive waitress(es), enjoy delicious and reasonably-priced burgers, and get the hiccups. Well, actually only I got the hiccups. They were a lousy dessert.

We all wrote love notes to our waitress on the back of our reciepts. I'm not sure about the etiquitte there. I made sure to tip well regardless, cause we were loud and required split checks.

So now my hiccups are gone, and I'm swum out (we were in the lake nearly 3 hours). Tomorrow I'll probably have to like, work late or have a "one-on-one" meeting or some other bullshit. At least the weather's supposed to be cooler, so I'll feel less like I'm wasting yet another summer day at the peak of my twenties.

I wonder if I could get in trouble at work for bitching about my boss on a blog?
intjonathan: (Default)
The 4th happened. Worked on my car a bit, had some amazingly delicious barbecued burgers, spent too much on fireworks, Jacob donated a 600-piece sparkler bomb, went back to the Brockerman's for a campfire but no smores, am home tired and smokey.

The 5th will happen. Will wash my car, put my speakers back in it, check the oil, and head north to work all day. Summer doldrums begin tomorrow.


intjonathan: (Default)

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