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kirie eleison
Mar. 30th, 2003 01:54 pmThere is a point you reach, after getting 2 hours of sleep in the previous 24, that your mind starts running backwards like a broken watch. You're so tired that you start hallucinating about sleep. The problem is that you're so tired during hours that you're normally so awake that your body starts a civil war, rhythm vs. exhaustion, and you are the victim.
Because as tired as I am, I can't sleep. There's a war going on in my body, and it will keep me awake until both sides reach a truce. This will happen around bedtime, which is 8 hours away.
Meanwhile, I am brutally, bitterly tired: literally weeping from exhaustion because I can't for the life of me sleep, though health and sanity demand it.
Knowing what I know now, the decision to throw the lan party even though I was sick was totally insane. Of course, at the time, I though I could pull it off. Thought I could sleep well enough during the party that I could stay alright the next day. This was a grand overestimation of my health and stamina, and won't happen again.
Anyway. I am in no shape at all to face the real situation around me, which is as follows:
I am home alone all week. No parents. No sister. No company, just me and the cat. Now, for all the times I thought it would be cool to run a house of this size and worth, never did I imagine it to be this lonely or depressing. The silence is, as they say, deafening, and is all I can think about.
Speaking of the house, it's a tremendous mess (as it always is after lan parties) but I don't even want to look at it or think about it. It's only going to remind me of how shitty I've felt for the last 24 hours. This is frustrating, because ususally I have a blast at these events - otherwise why would I host them - so post-party cleanup is tolerable because it reminds me of how much fun I had. Here the opposite is true. So the mess will stay until I get my act together.
Since I have nothing to do this week except look for work, there will be little to occupy those long lonely hours except that longest and loneliest task of job-hunting. Add to that our local economy, which is swishing down the toilet bowl as we speak, and I realize that my chances of success in that hunt are far too grim to ponder.
The weird virus that knocked me flat last week is still moping around, down but not out, pestering me until my body gets enough sleep to deliver the killing blow. As I said earlier, that's 8 hours away. This is also not helping the hallucination thing.
I went to church this morning, something I did not expect to do. I couldn't sleep anymore, it was 9:45, I figured I might as well shower and go, I certainly had nothing better to do. It was good for me, for sure, even though I spent most of the service freezing cold and hungry, two things you should never be in a church, much less a Lutheran one. Bah. My fault anyway.
So that's my life right now. I'm not very happy with it. I must say the last week has put me awfully low. Here's praying that the next one will be better, though reason tells me otherwise, faith must tell me it will. Otherwise how will I ever sleep?
Because as tired as I am, I can't sleep. There's a war going on in my body, and it will keep me awake until both sides reach a truce. This will happen around bedtime, which is 8 hours away.
Meanwhile, I am brutally, bitterly tired: literally weeping from exhaustion because I can't for the life of me sleep, though health and sanity demand it.
Knowing what I know now, the decision to throw the lan party even though I was sick was totally insane. Of course, at the time, I though I could pull it off. Thought I could sleep well enough during the party that I could stay alright the next day. This was a grand overestimation of my health and stamina, and won't happen again.
Anyway. I am in no shape at all to face the real situation around me, which is as follows:
I am home alone all week. No parents. No sister. No company, just me and the cat. Now, for all the times I thought it would be cool to run a house of this size and worth, never did I imagine it to be this lonely or depressing. The silence is, as they say, deafening, and is all I can think about.
Speaking of the house, it's a tremendous mess (as it always is after lan parties) but I don't even want to look at it or think about it. It's only going to remind me of how shitty I've felt for the last 24 hours. This is frustrating, because ususally I have a blast at these events - otherwise why would I host them - so post-party cleanup is tolerable because it reminds me of how much fun I had. Here the opposite is true. So the mess will stay until I get my act together.
Since I have nothing to do this week except look for work, there will be little to occupy those long lonely hours except that longest and loneliest task of job-hunting. Add to that our local economy, which is swishing down the toilet bowl as we speak, and I realize that my chances of success in that hunt are far too grim to ponder.
The weird virus that knocked me flat last week is still moping around, down but not out, pestering me until my body gets enough sleep to deliver the killing blow. As I said earlier, that's 8 hours away. This is also not helping the hallucination thing.
I went to church this morning, something I did not expect to do. I couldn't sleep anymore, it was 9:45, I figured I might as well shower and go, I certainly had nothing better to do. It was good for me, for sure, even though I spent most of the service freezing cold and hungry, two things you should never be in a church, much less a Lutheran one. Bah. My fault anyway.
So that's my life right now. I'm not very happy with it. I must say the last week has put me awfully low. Here's praying that the next one will be better, though reason tells me otherwise, faith must tell me it will. Otherwise how will I ever sleep?
