Eyeballing it
May. 27th, 2004 10:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
intjonathanAnd now it's time for "Tales of the eyeball" or "Between me and bradfitz: selections from Jon's private entries."
As many of you may know, I have long been an advocate of the private entry, as it is extremely useful for those things that either are only of interest to you or you only want to be of interest to you. But the fact is sometimes there's great writing to be found there that nobody will ever see. Since I am kind of a showoff, and have had little of note to write lately, I figured I'd trawl through the last few months of private entries and see if there was anything that, when you took the associated private-entry details out, made for some interesting reading.
What follows are random sections from the last several months, all exactly as written with only name changes to protect the innocent. Feel free to discuss what/who you may think they are about but I won't promise to reveal anything, after all they're private entries for a reason!
I have seen this test of will before, and I know it will blow over if I let it. But I'm not sure I want it to end that way, and I suspect she doesn't either... I wonder if she knows she's keeping me up at night.
In a way I'm glad I felt like I didn't belong. These people are unhappy.
Or maybe that's just what I tell myself.
I just don't know.
Now usually, when waiting for the bus, you don't do it alone. Except on the last day of finals. No, on that day the only people on campus are employees, people taking tests, and exchange students. By this time in the week everyone who's going home has already left, and everyone not taking tests or working has gotten the fuck off campus. Except the exchange students. They pretty much live here, and breaks are a sort of homecoming for them because suddenly everyone else is a visitor too. All the blonde natives that don't speak their language and eat dairy are gone, and the campus feels more like home than before.
I think [friend] is jealous of my computer-building ability, or at least considers it a valid "in" in that you can use it as a skill do to favors for chicks. I also think that is very strange, regardless of its truth.
...it's hitting me like a ton of bricks, one brick at a time. The possibility of all this ending is at once crushing and noneventful. I've always wondered what I'd do if it all ended suddenly, but not like this. Not with both of us arguing about it. I hoped it would be amicable, that both of us would reach a point and say, this isn't working, let's end it. Who was I kidding? Relatioships never end that way. If they did, they wouldn't be ending. There must be imbalance for it to end. Shit, I don't even get the justice of an honest-to-god breakup if it comes to that.
Once we were brothers in faith and loneliness, this year finds us monk and pagan
What happened there out on the road?
However I do appreciate the 'black art of manhood' aspect of it and see it as a good way to advance my manliness, along with lifting weights and wearing dark sunglasses. Maybe it'll offset the fact that I don't drink.
That's all for now, folks! Hope you enjoyed this peek into the other side of journaling.
As many of you may know, I have long been an advocate of the private entry, as it is extremely useful for those things that either are only of interest to you or you only want to be of interest to you. But the fact is sometimes there's great writing to be found there that nobody will ever see. Since I am kind of a showoff, and have had little of note to write lately, I figured I'd trawl through the last few months of private entries and see if there was anything that, when you took the associated private-entry details out, made for some interesting reading.
What follows are random sections from the last several months, all exactly as written with only name changes to protect the innocent. Feel free to discuss what/who you may think they are about but I won't promise to reveal anything, after all they're private entries for a reason!
I have seen this test of will before, and I know it will blow over if I let it. But I'm not sure I want it to end that way, and I suspect she doesn't either... I wonder if she knows she's keeping me up at night.
In a way I'm glad I felt like I didn't belong. These people are unhappy.
Or maybe that's just what I tell myself.
I just don't know.
Now usually, when waiting for the bus, you don't do it alone. Except on the last day of finals. No, on that day the only people on campus are employees, people taking tests, and exchange students. By this time in the week everyone who's going home has already left, and everyone not taking tests or working has gotten the fuck off campus. Except the exchange students. They pretty much live here, and breaks are a sort of homecoming for them because suddenly everyone else is a visitor too. All the blonde natives that don't speak their language and eat dairy are gone, and the campus feels more like home than before.
I think [friend] is jealous of my computer-building ability, or at least considers it a valid "in" in that you can use it as a skill do to favors for chicks. I also think that is very strange, regardless of its truth.
...it's hitting me like a ton of bricks, one brick at a time. The possibility of all this ending is at once crushing and noneventful. I've always wondered what I'd do if it all ended suddenly, but not like this. Not with both of us arguing about it. I hoped it would be amicable, that both of us would reach a point and say, this isn't working, let's end it. Who was I kidding? Relatioships never end that way. If they did, they wouldn't be ending. There must be imbalance for it to end. Shit, I don't even get the justice of an honest-to-god breakup if it comes to that.
Once we were brothers in faith and loneliness, this year finds us monk and pagan
What happened there out on the road?
However I do appreciate the 'black art of manhood' aspect of it and see it as a good way to advance my manliness, along with lifting weights and wearing dark sunglasses. Maybe it'll offset the fact that I don't drink.
That's all for now, folks! Hope you enjoyed this peek into the other side of journaling.
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Okay I admit, it's me.
Date: 2004-05-27 12:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-31 12:38 pm (UTC)