On Leaving Boyhood: An Introduction
Apr. 30th, 2007 11:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
intjonathanDuring an intense discussion about the emotional intelligence of one of her
exes, Tara suggested that I do "manhood counseling," and while I'm hardly
qualified to teach other men the way through that wilderness when I'm barely
learning the land myself, I thought she may be on to something. Most of my female friends express continual frustration with the difficulty of finding, much less keeping, a man that they
like. Most of my guy friends are flailing through their twenties, single,
directionless, and bored. (No offense to said guy friends - just calling it like
you say it.) Look around you and count the men in your life that you'd want to
have your back in a fight and I suspect you'll end up with a real short list.
I don't claim to have any secrets about this, in fact the ideas here are cribbed from a book by John Eldredge, Wild at Heart. If you have the time to read this essay more than once, you should stop right now and go get a copy of the book for yourself, because the best I can do in an introduction is summarize the enormous concepts in his book. I also don't claim to have all the answers; these ideas are not new, Eldredge just does a great job explaining them, and hopefully I can do them justice.
Campbell's hero story ends, most famously with a "happily ever after." But our lives don't read like stories. We get stuck counting one day off at a time, wondering what holds them together. As men, we need our lives to look something like a hero's if we're to feel like we have any direction at all. Eldredge sets up a checklist to turn the hero's story into a life goal, stating that a man needs:
Every man has the knowledge of his need to be a hero. Look at little boys for the clues here. They like stories of warriors and victory and battle. They know their needs better than we do. If those boys are to grow into men, they must accept their destiny as warriors. There is a fierceness to the heart of men that cannot be quenched, it must not, and it must find its expression in battle. It is often expressed negatively, as when young men turn abusive towards themselves or others, join a gang, or turn to crime. This does not mean that a man's warring heart is bad. It means that it is strong, and must be guided. A man without a battle is bored. Besides, every hero needs a villain.
Little girls seem to pick up on the need for a beauty to rescue long before boys do. They are caught up in the part where they enter the story, after the hero has returned from the field of battle, covered in enemy blood and with a steel gaze, to slay the evil men holding her captive and take her away in a gossamer carriage to a land of beauty and discovery. Guy readers are likely rolling their eyes right now. Girl readers are likely sighing in frustration. Well, Eldredge claims that, like the story of the hero in battle, the hero as lover is true as well. Most nice guys I know turn into pissed-off guys when they hear of some evil done to their female friends. The heart of a man is toward rescue. He yearns to be strong enough to bring his strength to the woman that has stirred his heart.
Finally, a man needs adventure. At the heart of adventure is risk. A man's heart ventures far from the safe life, into uncharted territory, secretive pacts and dangerous missions. He needs more than "happily ever after". Eldredge's Christian perspective points to the spiritual war taking place in the world as a man's greatest adventure. What stakes could be higher than the eternal souls of the people around you? Whatever his creed, a man needs a cause. He has to be about something, which becomes his true name. That name is discovered in the initiation process, where he accepts self-sacrifice. The adventure is living life willing to risk it for a cause.
At the foundation of this is strength. In The Sacred Romance, Eldredge sums up all these concepts neatly: "Every woman is in some way searching for or running from her beauty and every man is looking for or avoiding his strength."
And this is just the beginning of a lifelong adventure for us men. Hopefully I've explained enough here to whet your appetite for the whole book. I'd be happy to respond to any questions, comments, or complaints about this topic and hopefully will find time to cover more of the details as people ask about them.
I don't claim to have any secrets about this, in fact the ideas here are cribbed from a book by John Eldredge, Wild at Heart. If you have the time to read this essay more than once, you should stop right now and go get a copy of the book for yourself, because the best I can do in an introduction is summarize the enormous concepts in his book. I also don't claim to have all the answers; these ideas are not new, Eldredge just does a great job explaining them, and hopefully I can do them justice.
The story of manhood starts in the earliest of recorded history, with the hero. In The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell describes the structure of the monomyth, the story of heroism that has surfaced in myths for thousands of years. This is no accident. If I were an athiest, I'd still believe in the monomyth. It's at the root of every important human story. If our brains had eyelids, the monomyth would be written on the insides. The basic structure is as follows:
-
Departure
The hero is called to leave his home by a herald. Once he accepts, he must cross the threshold to adventure and enters the new reality of his adventure via a transformation or rebirth. -
Initiation
The hero must travel a road of trials, atone with his father, and accept the destiny of self-sacrifice for some separate, greater cause. His willingness to do so enables him to retrieve the "boon," the knowledge or object of enlightenment. -
Return
The hero must then return to his home and return the boon back to his fellows. He now perceives the dual reality of his newly earned wisdom and self-sacrifice, and the common life around him.
Campbell's hero story ends, most famously with a "happily ever after." But our lives don't read like stories. We get stuck counting one day off at a time, wondering what holds them together. As men, we need our lives to look something like a hero's if we're to feel like we have any direction at all. Eldredge sets up a checklist to turn the hero's story into a life goal, stating that a man needs:
- a battle to fight
- a beauty to rescue
- an adventure to live
Every man has the knowledge of his need to be a hero. Look at little boys for the clues here. They like stories of warriors and victory and battle. They know their needs better than we do. If those boys are to grow into men, they must accept their destiny as warriors. There is a fierceness to the heart of men that cannot be quenched, it must not, and it must find its expression in battle. It is often expressed negatively, as when young men turn abusive towards themselves or others, join a gang, or turn to crime. This does not mean that a man's warring heart is bad. It means that it is strong, and must be guided. A man without a battle is bored. Besides, every hero needs a villain.
Little girls seem to pick up on the need for a beauty to rescue long before boys do. They are caught up in the part where they enter the story, after the hero has returned from the field of battle, covered in enemy blood and with a steel gaze, to slay the evil men holding her captive and take her away in a gossamer carriage to a land of beauty and discovery. Guy readers are likely rolling their eyes right now. Girl readers are likely sighing in frustration. Well, Eldredge claims that, like the story of the hero in battle, the hero as lover is true as well. Most nice guys I know turn into pissed-off guys when they hear of some evil done to their female friends. The heart of a man is toward rescue. He yearns to be strong enough to bring his strength to the woman that has stirred his heart.
Finally, a man needs adventure. At the heart of adventure is risk. A man's heart ventures far from the safe life, into uncharted territory, secretive pacts and dangerous missions. He needs more than "happily ever after". Eldredge's Christian perspective points to the spiritual war taking place in the world as a man's greatest adventure. What stakes could be higher than the eternal souls of the people around you? Whatever his creed, a man needs a cause. He has to be about something, which becomes his true name. That name is discovered in the initiation process, where he accepts self-sacrifice. The adventure is living life willing to risk it for a cause.
At the foundation of this is strength. In The Sacred Romance, Eldredge sums up all these concepts neatly: "Every woman is in some way searching for or running from her beauty and every man is looking for or avoiding his strength."
And this is just the beginning of a lifelong adventure for us men. Hopefully I've explained enough here to whet your appetite for the whole book. I'd be happy to respond to any questions, comments, or complaints about this topic and hopefully will find time to cover more of the details as people ask about them.
