it must look strange
Mar. 10th, 2002 07:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
intjonathanI have the weirdest nervous tics now, have had since sunday in fact. I've been fidgeting with this sharpie all day. I'm always drumming on something, gripping something, or just feeling my hands, stroking my chin, something. I see myself doing it and go, "why are you doing that"? And I can't stop, really. I just focus in closer on it and it quickly becomes obsessive. I have to focus os something else and my hands just keep spinning that pen around.
It's only weird because I just don't do things like that. I'm a very calm person. Right?!? Oh yeah... I'm no longer who I was.
I feel God taking my bricks away and building me with His steel beams. It's exactly what I want. I want to come out of this 6 months, 10 months, 20 years from now and say that day changed me. It made me who I am. Clearly God has seen fit to deconstruct everything I thought was me, so I've decided to let him rebuild it as well, coz damn. I'm in NO shape to be swinging my big bad identity shit around. It's just not my place. And this is big for me because it's not an attitude I've ever employed. And I feel I must employ it because if I do not I will not be rebuilt stronger but weaker. I looked outside today and saw that it was raining. It occured to me that as hollow as I've felt, I couldn't really classify this as depression (which I've always associated with rain) . But I see how easily someone could get trapped in it. When you think about it, I've got nothing. No bright hope for tomorrow. But I'm also very rich, and God's never allowed me to lose sight of that.
I just hope I can keep my head up.
It's only weird because I just don't do things like that. I'm a very calm person. Right?!? Oh yeah... I'm no longer who I was.
I feel God taking my bricks away and building me with His steel beams. It's exactly what I want. I want to come out of this 6 months, 10 months, 20 years from now and say that day changed me. It made me who I am. Clearly God has seen fit to deconstruct everything I thought was me, so I've decided to let him rebuild it as well, coz damn. I'm in NO shape to be swinging my big bad identity shit around. It's just not my place. And this is big for me because it's not an attitude I've ever employed. And I feel I must employ it because if I do not I will not be rebuilt stronger but weaker. I looked outside today and saw that it was raining. It occured to me that as hollow as I've felt, I couldn't really classify this as depression (which I've always associated with rain) . But I see how easily someone could get trapped in it. When you think about it, I've got nothing. No bright hope for tomorrow. But I'm also very rich, and God's never allowed me to lose sight of that.
I just hope I can keep my head up.
